Parody - Fear and Loathing on Kauai: A savage journey to the heart of the Hawaiian dream

(context: Hawaii Superferry sets off battle for Kauai, again).

We were driving around the island's northshore in bumper-to-bumper traffic when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like, "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe we should stop for some shave ice. . ." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the pickup truck and a voice was screaming: "Holy crap! What are these freaking animals?"

Then it was quiet again. Auntie Gonzo was smearing war paint on her face. "What the hell are you yelling about," she muttered. "Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the truck toward a crowded beach park off the highway. No point mentioning those bats, I thought. She'll see them soon enough.

The lot overflowed with cars, and the beach swarmed with people Auntie Gonzo didn't know. Very soon, I knew, we would both be completely twisted. But there was no going back, and no time to rest. We would have to ride it out. I was, after all, a professional journalist with the L.A. Times; so I had an obligation to cover the story for good or ill.

Within seconds, a young couple, cameras dangling, slipped into their rental car. Young Republicans, by the looks of them. Probably voted for Nixon in '68. Or would have, had they been old enough to vote. The driver backed up, but the truck was blocking the way. The driver, grinning hideously like some Iowa scarecrow, asked Auntie Gonzo to move the truck.

"Just cool it, brah," Auntie Gonzo told him, banging the side of the truck for emphasis. "This isn't New York. This is Kauai. We'll be leaving in a few."

O Christ, I thought, she's gone around the bend. "No more of that talk," I said sharply. "Or I'll put the leeches on you." She grinned, seeming to understand. Luckily, the noise in the truck was so awful -- between Hawaiian Superman blasting full volume on the radio and the screeching of the bats who had returned -- those tourists couldn't hear a word we were saying. Or could they?